Just how the man himself introduced it:
“Behold. ‘Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.’”
About the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness
Ron has been developing the “Swanson Pyramid of Greatness” for years now…
It is a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Here are the most noteworthy entries, as told by Ron himself:
“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
“Rage, Poise, Property Rights.”
“Fish: For sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
“Haircuts: There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house son.”
Each Square Says…
These are the categories, (grid by grid) in order from Top to Bottom, Left to Right (bold were also mentioned in episodes):
- Honor: If you need it defined, you don’t have it.
- America: The only Country that matters. If you want to experience other “cultures,” use an atlas or a ham radio.
- Buffets: Whenever available. Choose quantity over quality.
- Wood Working
- Welfare Avoidance
- Teamwork: Work together as if your life depended on it… IT DOES!
- Selfishness: Take what’s yours.
- Haircuts: 3 Acceptable styles; High & Tight, Crew Cut & Buzz Cut.
- Greatness Itself: The best revenge.
- Discipline: The ability to repeat a boring thing over & over again.
- Attire: Shorts over 6” are capri pants. Shorts under 6” are European.
- Self-Reliance: Trust yourself.
- Suspicion: Do not trust anyone else.
- Skim Milk: That’s right it’s on here twice. Avoid it.
- Cow Protein
- Pig Protein
- Chicken Protein
- Romantic Love
- Deer Protein
- Fish: (SPORT ONLY) This was followed by ”Fish Meat is practically a vegetable.”
- Intensity: Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
- Torso: Should be thick and impenetrable.
- Old Wooden Sailing Ships: They’re beautiful.
- B.O.: Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice.
- Stillness: Don’t waste energy moving unless necessary.
- Skim Milk: Avoid it.
- Cursing: There’s only one bad word; Taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailors, it’s good enough for you.
- Friends: One to three is sufficient
- Property Rights: They exist. Do not let them be taken away from you.
- Masonry: Building walls makes you strong. Defending them makes you even stronger.
- Cabins: A place to rest that is made of logs.
- Perspiration: Only sweat during physical activity or love making. No emotional sweating.
- You: You are your biggest ally.
- Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
- Physical Fitness
- Frankness: Cut the B.S.
- Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
- Facial Hair: Full, thick and square. Nothing Sculpted. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can’t grow it.
- Living in the woods: Live of the land.
- Rage: One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
- Security: Secure the land.
- Poise: Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.
- Handshakes: Firm, dry, solid, 3 seconds.
- Body Grooming: Only women shave below the neck.
The Swanson Yin-Yang of Failure
This was also developed by Ron Swanson. Avoid these two items and you will be well on your way to greatness.
Here are some examples of each, as referenced by Ron:
“Remember gentlemen, zero passes in selfish, one pass is American, two passes is Communism.”
“Sharing is one of two items on the “Swanson Yin-Yang of Failure.”
Buy your own Swanson Pyramid of Greatness: