Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

Just how the man himself introduced it:

“Behold. ‘Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.’”

About the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

Close-up view of Pyramid of Greatness

Ron has been developing the “Swanson Pyramid of Greatness” for years now…

It is a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Here are the most noteworthy entries, as told by Ron himself:

“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

“Rage, Poise, Property Rights.”

“Fish: For sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

“Haircuts: There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house son.”

Each Square Says…

Close-up view of Pyramid of Greatness

These are the categories, (grid by grid) in order from Top to Bottom, Left to Right (bold were also mentioned in episodes):

  • Honor: If you need it defined, you don’t have it.
  • America: The only Country that matters. If you want to experience other “cultures,” use an atlas or a ham radio.
  • Buffets: Whenever available. Choose quantity over quality.
  • Weapons
  • Wood Working
  • Welfare Avoidance
  • Teamwork: Work together as if your life depended on it… IT DOES!
  • Selfishness: Take what’s yours.
  • Haircuts: 3 Acceptable styles; High & Tight, Crew Cut & Buzz Cut.
  • Greatness Itself: The best revenge.
  • Discipline: The ability to repeat a boring thing over & over again.
  • Attire: Shorts over 6” are capri pants. Shorts under 6” are European.
  • Self-Reliance: Trust yourself.
  • Suspicion: Do not trust anyone else.
  • Skim Milk: That’s right it’s on here twice. Avoid it.
  • Cow Protein
  • Pig Protein
  • Chicken Protein
  • Romantic Love
  • Deer Protein
  • Fish: (SPORT ONLY) This was followed by ”Fish Meat is practically a vegetable.”
  • Intensity: Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
  • Torso: Should be thick and impenetrable.
  • Old Wooden Sailing Ships: They’re beautiful.
  • B.O.: Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice.
  • Stillness: Don’t waste energy moving unless necessary.
  • Skim Milk: Avoid it.
  • Cursing: There’s only one bad word; Taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailors, it’s good enough for you.
  • Friends: One to three is sufficient
  • Property Rights: They exist. Do not let them be taken away from you.
  • Masonry: Building walls makes you strong. Defending them makes you even stronger.
  • Cabins: A place to rest that is made of logs.
  • Perspiration: Only sweat during physical activity or love making. No emotional sweating.
  • You: You are your biggest ally.
  • Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
  • Physical Fitness
  • Frankness: Cut the B.S.
  • Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
  • Facial Hair: Full, thick and square. Nothing Sculpted. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can’t grow it.
  • Living in the woods: Live of the land.
  • Rage: One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
  • Security: Secure the land.
  • Poise: Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.
  • Handshakes: Firm, dry, solid, 3 seconds.
  • Body Grooming: Only women shave below the neck.

The Swanson Yin-Yang of Failure

Swanson Yin-Yang of Failure

This was also developed by Ron Swanson. Avoid these two items and you will be well on your way to greatness.

  • Salad
  • Sharing

Here are some examples of each, as referenced by Ron:

“Remember gentlemen, zero passes in selfish, one pass is American, two passes is Communism.”

“Sharing is one of two items on the “Swanson Yin-Yang of Failure.”

Buy your own Swanson Pyramid of Greatness: